


I'm dancing on your bridge Schlattman, it’s my bridge now!

by FoundFandomFamilies



Series: Lunch Cryptid AU (The name still sucks) [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Lunch Club, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gen, Is a fucking mess, Is this an AU? Who’s to say, Just like Charlie is only here so I can make bad jokes, This only exists because of a late night conversation, What it definitely is however, no editing we post like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23800141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoundFandomFamilies/pseuds/FoundFandomFamilies
Summary: Schlatt gamer rages and Charlie is generally unhelpful
Series: Lunch Cryptid AU (The name still sucks) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731823
Comments: 34
Kudos: 186





	I'm dancing on your bridge Schlattman, it’s my bridge now!

Charlie wasn’t _quite_ sure how he got roped into visiting an old bridge late at night, since he hardly remembered how it was even brought up in the conversation that caused this, but he wasn’t gonna complain. He wouldn’t want to _burn any bridges after all._

“If you make another bridge joke I’m leaving you behind,” Schlatt deadpans up ahead, kicking the _dirt_ of all things. Charlie’s expression goes innocently bewildered.

“Wh-I didn’t even say it out loud!” He tries to defend, not even wasting breath denying that he made one however. He knows what he is.

“You didn’t have to,” is all Schlatt says, before he lets out an annoyed huff, “damn conspiracists, look at all these footprints. Every time.” 

Charlie takes this time to look around, finally taking in his surroundings. It was...well, it was an old cold creepy forest. He could definitely see how people thought this place was haunted. He’d be worried about being watched by demonic entities too, if said demonic entity wasn’t directly in front of him complaining about uneven _dirt_. 

“You get visitors here often then?” Charlie asks, genuinely curious. When Schlatt told him he owned a bridge, he hadn’t exactly expected it to be like _this_ , so he was kind of going in blind.

“Course! Goatman’s real big, kids love em-“ 

“ _-do they-_ “

“They love him! 

“ _-do they love to see it-“_

“They love to see it! I’d actually forgotten about this place, but now I think I’m gonna try to figure out how to legally set this place up as a tourist trap actually. I’d make heaps more than that stupid Mothman guy. Or Bigfoot, I mean he’s just a fucking ape! What’s the big whoop?!” Schlatt’s initial pitch voice turns into grumbles, and occasional making ape noises in between curses. Charlie hums loudly.

“I dunno, Bigfoot left a pretty _big_ impression, taking over his popularity won't be an easy _feet_.” Charlie comments, stopping his progress to stand still and let his words properly sink in. A faint wind rustles through the trees and bushes before-

**“Get out.”**

“We’re already out Schlatt,”

“... _God,_ fuck you man, I’m so done-“ Schlatt flips him off and continues stalking forwards. The effect is dimmed of course by the fact he’s still practically _walking_ there, and also the fond smile Charlie saw for a split second under moonlight. Charlie grins to himself and follows.

And promptly trips nearly trips over a branch.

“ _SHIT-_ “ Charlie squawks, only just saving himself by grabbing onto a nearby tree in his panicked flailing.

Schlatt turns around, expression briefly startled, before he bursts into cackles. Charlie pulls his arm back and glares.

“Hardy Hardy. We can’t all see in the dark like a fucking cat,” Charlie grumbles, face a little flushed.

“Maybe you should get some night vision then bitch boy,” Schlatt teases, and Charlie chuckles, still a little out of breath.

“Ah, I would, but my free supernatural power up store coupon expired,” 

“Oh, really? Yeah I get mine online, I wouldn’t know,” Schlatt says with a shrug, already walking off again.

The witty retort Charlie was about to say gets lost in his throat as he has another near miss, this time with a rock. 

“Okay, I maybe get the no torches thing, but couldn’t you have teleported us closer? Or even, and stop me if I’m being too crazy, _on_ the _bridge_?” Schlatt is quiet for a second too long before responding.

“Uh well, you know, it’s good to walk, be healthy-“ Charlie smirks and cuts him off,

“You accidentally overshot one time and fell in the river didn’t you?”

“ **Absolutely not,”** Schlatt growls, aka essentially admitting it, and Charlie’s grin widens at the absolute glory of this new information.

“Oh that’s incredible-“

“It was _One time-“_

“HAH!”

“ONE! TIME!”

“See, BUT now I just think it _definitely_ happened more than once-“

“Well, think what you want, if you want to be wrong all the time or whatever-“

“So your thinking is the only right thinking?”

“Exactly, now shut up we’re here.”

Charlie excitedly looks over Schlatt’s shoulder.

And is...immediately underwhelmed.

“Huh, I was expecting something more…” Charlie struggles, waving his hand a little. Schlatt glances over at him.

“Awesome?” He suggests with a raised brow, and Charlie snorts, pushing past him to get a closer look

“Pretentious,” Charlie finishes with a smirk, only to yelp as Schlatt suddenly RUnS jESUs CHrIsT tO PuSh hIm in the _WATeR FUCK-, “_ I’M SORRY I’M SORRY-“

Schlatt boops him on the nose, briefly making Charlie's brain short circuit.

“You’re such a baby.” Schlatt taunts, clearly amused that ass, and Charlie shrugs, inwardly letting out a sigh of relief.

“Thank chu fow spawing mwy wife mwistew goatman-“ Schlatt recoils in disgust, before pointing in fake offence,

“Hey! That’s Sir Goatman to you.”

“Oh, you finally got your _night_ hood?” Charlie asks, pointing at the dark sky above, only to immediately regret it as Schlatt narrows his eyes and steps closer again, 

“Wait, _Illstopillstoppleasedontihatewaterpleaseimbegging-“_

Schlatt just gives Charlie a warning glare that could make hell freeze over, but Charlie doesn’t even care because he gets to live another day and nothing can bring his mood down-

And then Schlatt goes over to step onto the bridge, and his eyes flash demonic red.

Thaaaat doesn’t seem like a good sign.

“Is... something wrong?” Charlie asks cautiously, self admittedly not knowledgeable in the **_art of demon bridges_ **. This could be completely normal after all! Even if Schlatt’s twisting expression says...otherwise.

“Someone was here.” Schlatt growls, in a far more animalistic manner than the teasing one before. Charlie instantly tenses up. 

“W-Well yeah, you said this place gets lots of visitors so isn’t that a given?” He tries, definitely not liking the increasingly murderous look in Schlatt’s eyes.

“No I mean, some _thing_ was **here** ,” Schlatt emphasises, then starts searching around the bridge like a demon on a mission.

”Like, a friendly deer or lost crackhead?” Charlie asks hopefully, because he did _not_ sign up for anything more than an angry homeless person tonight. Actually, he didn’t even sign up for that, _why would he of signed up for-_

**“WHAT THE FUCK MAN!”** Schlatt suddenly screeches, voice distorting in rage like he was yelling into a shitty mic, “ **SOMEONE FUCKING STOLE THE BRIDGE!”**

“Uh, Schlatt, the bridge is still here.” Charlie points out unhelpfully.

Schlatt stomps at the ground like an angry goat, revealing in the process what looked like randomly assorted glowing symbols.

**“NO LOOK, THERE’S FUCKING MARKINGS! THEY STOLE MY SHIT! AND CALLED ME A WIMP! WHAT THE SHIT?! I'M NOT A WIMP-”**

While Schlatt dissolves into completely unintelligible rage noises, Charlie looks at the demonic symbols burned into the bridge and nods, completely not at all understanding what the fuck he’s looking at at _all._ Schlatt has now gone silent, and is furiously pacing around, looking for more of those symbols.

Okay he needs to fix this, he will not be feeling with glee _man_ if he has to deal with an angry goddamned de _man!_

Charlie hesitantly crouches, poking one of the symbols Schlatt had revealed on the ground. He lets out a hiss of pain as a sharp sting greets his outstretched hand.

Probably should of seen that coming-

“No wonder I haven’t been able to feel the fucking presence of this thing, it cut me off!” Schlatt hisses, and as Charlie glances up he bites back a yelp when he sees Schlatt’s glamour flicker in rage. 

“It being another demon, right?” Charlie asks, mind reeling at the idea of _another_ demon just, existing out there. I mean, it was obvious, he knew there were others aside from Schlatt, there couldn’t _not_ be, but he’s never really...let that thought set in because of the terrifying connotations.

“ **I’m gonna kill em** -“ Schlatt suddenly snarls instead of answering, and Charlie bites his lip, standing up again with his hands raised.

“Now, now hold on-“

“ **I’m gonna fucking kill em-** “ 

“You’re gonna fuck _and_ kill them?!” Schlatt is momentarily broken out of his rage to let out a surprised laugh. He quickly gets pissed again, but Charlie counts it as a victory.

“This wasn’t even a fucking tactical move, it was just a power play. These markings are powerful, but like if someone sighed a fucking contract in comic sans, I can practically hear this dicks laughter-“

“So wait, someone stole your bridge, and you didn’t _notice_?”

“I-I’ve been busy man! I don’t have time to dedicate to a dingy old bridge!”

“Right but it’s _your_ dingy old bridge, that you are _currently_ gamer raging about“

“ **I’M NOT GAMER RAGING!”**

Wait, why was Charlie trying to make him _angrier_ again? Sometimes he’s too chaotic for his own good-

“Okay okay, can you like, get it back? Cross out his name in sharpie and rewrite your own?” For a second, it’s looks like Schlatt is considering it, before he shakes his head. 

“Nope. As much as I don’t want to admit it, this jackass definitely outranks me. Unless I go out and find the fuckers, who’s probably chilling in hell sipping pina coladas and laughing at me right now, I’m now down a fuckinh bridge! What the hell!” Schlatt practically has steam coming out of his ears.

Charlie doesn’t quite know what to say. In fact, if anything, this is probably the most Schlatt has ever talked about demons and their culture, and since Schlatt is his _only_ demon friend, he doesn’t even have a frame of reference for advice here.

“Well I mean, at least it’s not official in reputation right?” Charlie tries, and pulls out his phone, opening it up and immediately cringing from the light. Wait, light?!

_HAS HE BEEN TRIPPING IN THIS FOREST FOR NO FUCKING REASON?!_

Schlatt pauses, tilting his head unnaturally at him, and Charlie snaps into focus.

“See look, I’m on the Wiki, it’s go- Wait, Shane and Ryan’s bridge? Who-“ Charlie reads out loud, before immediately regretting it. _Shit rewind rewind-_

“I-I mean, whaaaat, Goatmans bridge, oh hey look it says you won an Oscar! Don't-don't fact check- _please-“_

Schlatt snatches the phone out of his hands, and Charlie accepts his fate.

“ **THEY EVEN CHANGED THE FUCKING WIKIPEDIA?!”**


End file.
